Your search for a three-legged cat
who can fast-track you to massive
personal spiritual growth
is finally over

Incalculable
Let's be clear. What we're talking about here is one billion dollars of spirituality. You can't buy anything with these dollars. You can't invest them in anything. They have zero material value.

But don't let that fool you. In spiritual terms their value is incalculable.

Satisfying
And here's something else. You'll find that boosting your spiritual wealth can be deeply satisfying.

Imagine the look on your rivals' faces when you shove them out of the way to snatch up all that spirituality. Heavenly.

Imagine the mocking laugh you'll allow yourself as you make off with all that spiritual loot, leaving your rivals with nothing. Priceless.

So here it is, my five-step program to enhance your personal spiritual growth and help you become a spiritual billionaire.

Step one
Look the part
Estimated value: 150 million spiritual dollars
If you want to boost your spirituality, get yourself some long flowing robes. This is the spiritual equivalent of detonating an atom bomb. You’ll blast your rivals into the dust.

Wearing your robe, you'll not only feel more spiritual, you'll also look more spiritual. Best of all, when other spiritual people see you it will intimidate the hell out of them.

Step two
Be kind to animals
Estimated value: 300 million spiritual dollars
If you see a cat in the street, give it a bowl of milk or a generous portion of chicken and fish. Helping a starving animal in this way will earn you valuable spiritual dollars and so greatly enhance your personal spiritual growth. Do this regularly to ensure your spirituality stays at an optimum level.

Step three
Change your name
Estimated value: 150 million spiritual dollars
To become a major player in the cutthroat world of spirituality, you need to ditch your current name and find something more exciting. Thinking up spiritual names is easy. The best ones are meaningless phrases containing references to space, living creatures and the weather.

Imagine how you'd upstage your spiritual rivals if you called yourself something like "Galactic skybird from beyond the infinite karmic windstorm". Or even "Sacred snowdrift beneath the perpetual cosmic chicken". When you show up at a top spiritual event with a name like that, who'd want to be a Norman or Sheila.

Step four
Do good without anyone knowing
Estimated value: 250 million spiritual dollars
You probably have specialist knowledge that others could benefit from. Well here's how to exploit it. Put on a mask and go to a town where no one knows you. Then shout out advice to strangers as they pass by. You'll be helping people anonymously, which is highly spiritual.

And when you get home you'll have the satisfaction of being able to brag about it to all your friends.

Step five
Use more words from the far end of the dictionary
Estimated value: 150 million spiritual dollars
Words that start with x, y or z often seem really spiritual. Even ones which are not, sound as though they could be. So try to drop more of them into your conversation. Throw in a 'xylophone' here and a 'yachtswoman' there and a ‘zoologist’ somewhere else. You'll be amazed at the effect it has on people.

What it all means
Follow this advice and two things will happen:

• you'll achieve spiritual wealth beyond the dreams of avarice
• you'll be able to boast about your personal spiritual growth for years to come.

And remember, it's all because you listened to a three-legged personal development guru cat.

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